1. i want to know you
and drown in your warmth.
it feels like its been years
and only time can tell us
where to go
but time has no motion
while we're here
and the lights are so blinding
your love is so binding
and i feel the need
of your arms
your presence slowly
suffocates me
as i drown in your warmth
and your air tightens my lungs
and if i died today, forever i'd be
happy to be with you.

2.i never had a single doubt about you
til i figured out that you gave up before trying.
i wonder why you'd be so cruel
but i remember your similarity to the last one
so i've thought about giving it another try
but why should i hurt myself like that?
why give your all when you've got nothing?
sometimes i wish on stars
but i've found those stars to be black holes
cause i keep getting the worst of luck,
i gave up not too long ago.
i'm not proud of it but what else is there to do
when you've given your all while you've got nothing?
why waste another reath when
i could use it on someone who truly cares
it's too bad you're a fraud.

1. i miss the days when everything was easy
and mom could take care of the worst.
a band-aid cured every pain
now it's just too big and i've got a hole in my heart where you used to be
nothing's right until the void is filled
but it was there you lived for so long
i thought you'd be there forever
i guess i was wrong, i'm only human
now the past keeps creeping up on me and your name comes into play
i dreamt that you'd be my future, but that was just a dream...

2. it seems so long since we last talked
things have changed, and you don't seem to care
my hearts been torn apart with a racecar
as you stand there in awe.
the situation's only gotten worse
but i haven't forgotten yet
how great you've been
but the time has come
lets get this overwith
the end is near and i'm still waiting to hear
the stories you've got to tell
but you're not willing to listen
to what i've gotta say.

3.  even though you're gone
you've still got me lost for words
i can't stop lying to myself, saying you'll come back
even though you're not coming back.
i like to stay optimistic about these things that just make no sense
hoping that i'll get some clarity in response to this mess
even though there's no chance.
and i hope someday
and i know someday
you'll come running back to me.

jeanette+thoughts+vicodin from getting wisdom teeth out = decent poetry.
read and comment plz.



i hate that i can't even convince my stupid self
even though i want you so badly
i can't avoid these feelings much longer
and i want you to know right now
this brain is just getting to me
and i don't know what to say anymore
i can't even breathe because i'm
slowly suffocating in your presence
hoping to find that you too are gasping for breath
but maybe it's just a figment of my imagination
or maybe my thoughts are all cliche
i just want to know right now
are we gonna make a fire up in mcbride
or am i just more dirt thrown on the side of your street?
tell me now, so i can stop wasting my time
and start over again hoping for another guy
to fall for me like i did for you.

 jesus, my live journal is becoming a freakin' poetry site lol.  enjoy.

1. my feelings are slowly tattering
the thoughts you leave sift through my head like rocks
it's hard to believe, but it's there.
more than once you've left me speechless
and i tripped on the uneven concrete
i fell on the broken glass you left behind. 

2. thankful for the jubilance you used to bring
i'd return if it weren't so hard
you drive me up the wall in a jack knifing 18 wheeler
and i never return.
woefully morose as the guilt sinks in
dragging me to my painful death
although i love you so much
i cannot bear to handle this any longer
you kill me silently, horrifically as
this feeling of guilt sinks in once more
rejecting the past to be my future
and taking a new lead
to avoid this tragedy that might occur

some new poems!
i enjoy writing, bet you couldn't tell? 

1. captivation of a lonely heart
 if only your words could set me free 
from this imprisoned heart of mine
and the everlasting tension would diminish
put our differences in the dark closet
and tell me how it feels
if it is the same
or is it a new abundance of hummingbirds?
you bring chills to my spine
and the birds to my stomach
you have no idea.
your voice makes my heart skip
and your eyes look through my soul
oh, i wish your words would release me
from this captivation of a lonely heart.

2.untitled
the qualities you portray are more than actions
it shows how you really feel
i'm trying to decide which path to take
whether to embrace it or to wait for a vivid discussion?
listening to your voice makes me wonder
how you hide these things so well
i admire your thoughts and i think about how badly
i want to know your side of the story.
your beauty inspires me more than anything ever could.
and even if we are to embark on our opposite ways,
i will always love you.

3.trying to write out of boredom
thoughts of you clogging my mind
making me unable to function
wishing something would happen
is your song about someone special
or just another bluff?
nobody knows how i never get sick
of hearing your voice
or how great hearing it once makes me feel
it feels as though you are singing to me
oh, how badly i wish you really were.

4.english class
inability to concentrate
originality has ceased
but only here.
no sympathy for the imaginative soul
praise for the idiotic
ideas are freed from me
thoughts have escaped
the improper spreads faster than an epidemic
barbaric things own this place
and the intelligence has fled the world.

5.untitled
i'm losing touch with my own senses
avoiding all that is real
the tattered soles of my shoes
show you the fatigue i've endured
appearance is all.
the knots in my hair
show you how unorganized i tend to be.
and the scars on my knees
tell you where i've been
appearance is more than all
it tells a story of the person inside
but only if you would let it.

6.holden
sometimes i understand how holden feels
misunderstood and out of place
in this world full of users
but you learn to face your problems
only not by running away
just because someone in this miserable world
may want you to stay.

just the newer ones.

1.) making the wise unimportant
degrading the thoughts of kind
taunts are not welcome here
feeling slightly past unappreciated
moving on to unwanted
the strength acquired is now useless and pathetic
and destroyed by this hatefulness
whatever cruel comes to mind
overwhelms the true meaning

2.) impossible to decipher the illusions
the shield is the fog in the way
the mist creates a hurdle through the path
the sun clears it out now
but the sun doesn't shine here.
it only shines in the myths of Happiton
with the happy people living carefree
the blizzard you create is yet another
obstacle in this journey of finding
yourself along with me
discovery is important but this is just
beginning to show as a waste of time

3.) taped under the finest polyester
hidden from the surrounding
this long cloth drapes over shoulders
and is now my disguise.
this tunnel i am buried in will not let me escape.
the goldfish swim around my atmosphere as i ponder
the cloth is soon to be torn
or shall i stay undercover and
watch as the world around me collapses and dies?

so i'm a junior yadda yadda its all late. this year is okay i guess, a little more drama than last year but not really its about the same. backstabbing bitches & fights and all that goodshit. :) well today actually i presented my graduation project, and i passed it! one less thing that i have to worry about, right?!

but umm.
idk what else to say?

great. I love it!

I know, I haven't updated in forever! So much has changed these past few months. School is back, I'm getting almost straight A's, and everything is going

Do you ever wish that your life could be great? That nothing was wrong with you, that you had several good friends? That your friends would never replace you with someone else?

This is sadly how I feel..
I just wish I weren't thrown aside like an old rag. Best friend my ass.. You only talk to me when there is nobody else around. Fuck you!

Oh--Ash--if you read this, you know who this is about already, lol.

I wish there was a miraculous thing that would make everything better.. oh wait! There's God!

I guess all I need to do is rely on him and everything will be better.

This past week has kinda, well, sucked. Except Saturday!

So, Saturday was my birthday (happy sweet 16.. hah). I went to a concert.. and it was so much fun. I got to see someone that I was really looking forward to seeing.. his band was amazing.

Well, dad's been in the hospital since.. Monday? He called the cops, and we took him to Western Psych. Apparently, he hadn't been taking any of his medications. Not for his blood, gout, heart, bipolar, or anything. He has hypertension, so the doctors normally want his blood pressure to be over 90. When they checked it, it was OVER 200. That is just plain ridiculous! I know it's not fun to be on medication, but I'd rather take the stuff and be healthy. You could tell something was up with him, because for the past week or so, he hasn't shut up, and he's been talking a load of bullshit. When we went to visit him today, he was saying we're going to move to Fox Chapel into the Heinz farm. Isn't that just hilarious?? We can't even afford to live here! He probably won't be out until after July 4th, so this holiday is going to suck. It's no fun with him around. Nothing is.

I've been trying to help my mom as much as possible lately, because I know how much stress she's under. I feel horrible for her, she shouldn't have to deal with this shit. She's such a strong person, I admire her.

Other than that, not much going on..

Yeah, finally felt like updating this thing.

I feel so unwanted anymore. Like, all my friends have boyfriends or always have other plans to deal with... why can't I have anything, anyone? I hate talking about anything because I'm tired of pissing people off. I like this one guy but I highly doubt I have a chance with him. I feel worthless. Ugh, it's just overwhelming and seems like nobody gives a shit about me and I'm invisible or something. All I want to do is love and be loved. Is that so hard to ask?



I want to fall in love.

I just got random inspiration last week to write a poem.. so here goes.

its staring me in the face
yet still is not found
the mystery unfolds slowly
destroying my dignity
annihilating peace
tragedy arises
drama is no longer forbidden
your words hit me like bullets
yet i'm still here
designing my future
falling into pieces
wishing to not be fooled
by your misleading ways
yet again, i've fallen
your words are a poison
your face, death.


comment & tell me what you think, k? i'd appreciate it.

I was just tired, I feel much better than before. And it's a beautiful day. Who can be miserable on a beautiful day? I mean, come on!

I feel rejected, alone, misplaced.. I really just need someone to talk to and help me out. Nobody seems to care or understand. That's probably why I've even just been talking to my animals lately. My moods are so, like, wacky. I feel depressed all the time, and then sometimes I just feel like I'm on a high. The smallest things can make me feel pissed off and mad. I just want to feel like I'm in control of myself and my emotions again. I want to be able to please the people I love without hurting myself and who I am, and without destroying my dignity. It feels like nobody is there for me to love, for them to love me back. I really need someone.... desperately....

So I read a friend of mine's lj and I noticed they have some stuff up there about myself that I guess they don't want to take down. Really makes my day. Wonderful.

So today, I went to Tiffany's party and had some fun, and that's the highlight of my weekend. That's about it.

I got into a sorta fight with Katie.. she's pointing the blame at me again. Wonderful. I guess I ruin everything. Why don't I just end it all and run away from life? I question myself this every day. It seems as though nobody cares.. I just want to get away from it all. It feels like I have nobody to talk to, because if I do talk to them, they get angry at me for wanting to talk about something I really need to. I need to vent my emotions, let it all out. I just need to go to a cleared area and scream at the top of my lungs, then maybe I'll feel better.

I just feel so depressed anymore.

Well, the highlight of my past few days has been getting my new iPod, and babysitting. At least tomorrow I have a birthday party to look forward to.

I'm getting tired of people talking about their boyfriends, their exs. I don't have any. I don't care about yours. I mean, bringing them up a few times doesn't kill me but its those people who never shut the hell up. I really wish I could get a boyfriend. Man, do I hate myself.

My life isn't as exciting as I want it to be. I want more friends. I want a boyfriend. I want to have someone to always hang out with. Some way to miraculously lose 100 pounds.

Man would that make my life so much happier right about now.....


I know, I sound depressed. I don't really give a damn anymore. It's just, it feels like everyone hates me and I have nobody to spill my guts to... and I guess thats why I have a livejournal.

Ok. Im pissed off now. Christina called saying that now they aren't going to the mall until 5 which means I can't go.

yeah its pretty sweet!

Today is going to be a busy day. Hopefully in a little, Christina will call and we're going to the mall to get Easter outfits. Then, if I get back around 4, I'll go for fish with my family, because as you know, it's Good Friday and I can't eat meat. At 6, I have to go babysit, and once I'm done with that, I'm going over Sydnee's house to sleep over.

Hopefully after today I won't be this busy for a while.